Our Best Selves
by MmeDeschain
Summary: Loving someone too much is the best problem to have. Expanded Damon POV: my take on the night of 5x16 and the way the morning after should have gone. The Delena Redemption arc, in one act. Delena, Deremy. Rated M for language and mature content. Please Read and Review!


**Our Best Selves**

_A/N: Okay dear readers. Here I go again. I have decided that Delena will simply be the death of me. I love/hate how Plec and the gang can give us what we want while simultaneously making us __**not**__ want it. After seeing 5x16 I decided that I needed to write my own version of the Delena Relationship redemption. I'm sure theirs will be much more epic and better and drawn out. It was the drawn out part that bugged me. SO, I sat down and came up with the following version. I hope you like it…this one kicked my butt. Really. Without further ado: I give you the Delena Redemption in one act. Rated M for language and content._

_Takes place where 5x16 left off, just pretend 5x17 never happened. And I don't deal with all that traveler nonsense. Delena all the way, a little dash of Deremy. Please PLEASE show me a little love in the review section. Did I mention that I worked really hard on this and it kicked my butt?_

_And of course: I've no beta or editor, all characters are owned by whoever owns The Vampire Diaries. _

_**Damon**_

"It just did, its over. We're over."

Those words hung in the air like a hangman's noose: empty and foreboding. My breath rushed out and my heart collapsed in on itself. No. No no no. We stared at each other, frozen in those seconds caught between fear and love and 'what's best' and 'the right thing' and neither of us moved. The air crackled around us; we snapped.

I reached for the love of my life and kissed her. All that I ever was and ever could be poured from me into her. It is impossible for me to give her anything but everything. I am a fool a thousand times over, but she's kissing me back with the same passion. Her lips leave mine, and before I can register my disapproval I hear tearing fabric and my shirt is destroyed and this woman is _magnificent_. I cannot survive without her.

I carry her to my room and we fall together to the bed. Her hair is in glorious disarray and her knees are by her shoulders and _fuck_ the doppelganger prophecy because two people haven't fit this well since Antony and Cleopatra.

I make quick work of her clothes and when I lean down to kiss her she touches my chin and I have lost the battle before it began. I sink into her eyes, both of us acknowledging what we are doing and accepting what it means. I will love this woman for the rest of my unholy life and no one will be able to stop me.

We crash together in the most violently tender of embraces. I need her, want her, love her and will do anything for her. The rest of the night is sliding knees and sweat soaked skin and there will never be another night as great as this one. Shuddering breaths and pleading moans and we become a tangle limbs and gliding hands until I'm no longer sure where her body begins and mine ends. This is our love—a pure and shining embrace full of urgency and the glorious tension of pleasure. We can't stop. I wouldn't if I could. The truth of the matter is that I simply do not exist without her near.

* * *

After we finally collapsed into stated exhaustion, I lay here in the dark and allowed the sound of her even breathing to hypnotize me. At some point I came back to myself, reveling in the luxury of more orgasms than should be legal. My limbs are heavy and relaxed, my brain still a little muddled. I'm stretched out next to her, fingers laced behind my head, eyes tracing random patterns on the heavy paneling of the ceiling. It probably needs to be oiled. Reality intrudes harshly on my bliss.

It has been an impossibly long day. Long year…unnaturally long life. I'm thinking about everything and nothing. I really should just leave. It's maybe 2am, if I get in the car now I can be ANYWHERE by day break.

So many things would have been better if I had never come back to Mystic Falls. Never met Katherine. Never turned. Maybe never been born. Maybe I'm a cosmic fuck up? The universe hiccoughed and Damon Salvatore was born. I wonder if any of the other doppelgangers had a brother. Something tells me no. As much as I know I need her in my life, I also know that I am destroying her, bit by bit. She was right -in Denver. I destroy things. I lash out. '_what if there was no bump?_' I'd said. Well now I know. I'd create one. I am a fool.

I should go. I can be quiet enough; I won't wake her.

Right now. This is me, picking up a few things and leaving.

Okay so that didn't really happen. I'm so weary. I know we're all wrong for each other. We're still right, just not right now and I'm terrified of destroying our future happiness with my current fuck ups. And in the end that's what does it. Because I can't imagine the world without her and that's exactly what I'm looking at if we keep going down this road. I'm sucking the glorious _Elena-ness_ from her and I simply cannot allow that to go on.

"Hi," she breathes. Damn. Her hair is mussed and she stretches those gloriously long limbs in my bed and I am so done.

I take a deep breath. "Hi."

She looks around the room, probably trying to locate her clothing. "Did any of it survive?"

Her clothes or my heart? "Maybe the jeans, if you're lucky." I still haven't moved and she's staring at me. Normally I would have reached out to smooth that bit of hair off her cheek, or rubbed the gooseflesh from her arm.

She swallows thickly and sits up, clutching the sheet to her chest. She takes a deep breath and seriously the sheet is worse than her just being naked because the way her arm is pressing against her breasts is giving me a coronary. I remember pinching her nipples as she came, the bite of her nails in my back sending electric shocks ricocheting throughout my body. She pulls one knee up and I remember how her thighs shook and quivered around my hips. She takes another deep breath, but to my ears it's the shuddering syllables of my name on her lips. "Can I talk with you about all this?"

Oh man. "Sure."

I want her. She's talking, but I can't understand a single word. I'm caught up in that wonderful almost hoarse rasp of her voice, low and seductive and its registering in my body differently, I'm sure, than she currently intends. I'm already at half mast and FUCK ME I can't do this. She deserves better. I abruptly cut her off. "You know what? Maybe we'd better take a rain check on this. Get dressed. Maybe some air." I get up and begin dressing.

She's looking at me all bewildered, because for one, it's the middle of the night and two, Elena can't imagine a world where we cannot talk away a problem _right fucking now_. I'm up and hunting for clothes and my movements are jerky and deliberate. It looks as if she's not going to push the issue, which quite frankly IS an issue when she surprises me. "NO."

What? "Excuse me?"

"No. I'm not going to let you out of this one, Damon." Stubborn as a mule, as always.

"We've already had this conversation, more or less. Elena, this is no good. We tried. It didn't work. You deserve more than this. The End."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

"No, Damon. It's not. We didn't try."

My shoulders sag. I just can't do this anymore. It kills me a little more every time I have to push her away. This is the third time? I've lost count. "Elena—"

"Look, tonight was a mistake. I get that. But we just have to figure out how to move forward. We can do this"

I couldn't agree more. I scrub a hand down my face. "Can we 'do this' tomorrow? I need a drink." Please don't follow me.

She rolls her eyes and flops back on the pillows. "You're a real asshole sometimes, you know that?!"

Is she finally starting to figure it out? "Yeah, actually I do." The hurt in her eyes tells me she wasn't quite expecting that, which makes me wonder what she_ was_ expecting. I stand there, for some reason waiting for her response.

"Aren't you leaving?" She doesn't look at me when she speaks, and I might hear tears in there somewhere. I might hear a resignation that chills my bones. But I am leaving. I think I might have been leaving since I got here. I pull on my shirt and head downstairs. Part of me hates what I'm about to do. I pour myself a drink, so she hears the crystal clink. I wait for her breathing to even out into sleep. I walk out the door.

* * *

I drive aimlessly for a while. In circles. I'm utterly paralyzed and it's fucking terrifying.

I end up where I always do, at Ric's grave. I pull out my stash of bourbon and get to work. Pounding through my head are two words Elena once spoke. Just before she told me she loved me, she said it was 'the worst' decision she'd ever made. Those words have always been there, right under the surface of every embrace and every kiss. The entire time we've been together, it was there. Both of us knowing that if she chose to really see me she would find me so repugnant that she would run.

Who would have thought we'd both be wrong? I'm the one who turned tail and ran. Huh. The irony.

I don't have time for this. I'm 177 years old, and she thinks that we can talk it out in an evening? I am who I am. And why should I change? Is that what love really is?

She's all worked up about Aaron. But that's not what we should be focusing on. It's Aaron's family, his Aunt Sarah, who I hunted down during the Summer of the Neverending Orgasm. She is eagerly turning a blind eye to the fact that I killed them one by one. Because that weekend, while she went with Caroline to Whitmore and I drove south to Richmond, I thought long and hard about what I was about to do. I sat in the woods that last night and thought about what I was doing. I thought _this will be the last one_. This will be the last piece I need to finally bury Enzo.

Five years. Five years I spent with him and I left him to die. I thought about all those years, relived all the screams, the experiments. I remembered the sickening thud of Enzo's body hitting the floor the day he took MY place on the table. All I could think is that they did this. They probably knew all about the torture. Vampire hunting families always know, or are on the verge of knowing. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. The further from Elena I got. I wasn't in those woods that night. I was back in that cell, strapped to that table, in that burning house. All of my reasons NOT to kill them didn't exist yet because vampires CAN'T forgive and forget. It's just not possible. That hell is fresh and new and I can still smell the formaldehyde, can still see the jar containing my fucking _kidney_ sitting on a shelf. I can still hear Enzo screaming for me not to leave him. And I thought: this'll be the last one. This is it.

So I did it. When it was done, I got in my car and drove back to Mystic Falls. When Elena got home I told her I worked all weekend on crocheting a nightie for her, but it was so terrible I threw it out and went to Fredericks. She laughed, and I tickled her ribs and then carried her to bed. I spent all night making sure she knew exactly how many ways I missed her.

The next week was rough…and I think Elena knew something was different. So I swore to myself it would be the last….but then _Katherine_ happened with her body snatching stunt and I flipped my shit AGAIN because I thought I'd lost Elena and _it was all my fault_.

I'm so wrapped up in my own head that I don't hear the approaching footsteps until they're nearly on top of me. I whirl to find Jeremy, eyes wide and hands up by his shoulders. "Jesus, Jeremy."

"Woah, take it down a notch. I didn't know you were here."

I huff out a breath and sit back down on the bench. "You should really know better than to sneak up on a vampire. Especially me."

Jeremy approaches, albeit a little cautiously, and perches on an adjacent headstone. Kid's got balls, considering that I nearly killed him just a few weeks ago.

The moments stretch out. Its not awkward, but it isn't exactly comfortable either. "What are you doing here?" I finally ask. I'm annoyed by his intrusion. Ric was my friend. _Mine_. Besides, I can't think with little Gilbert watching me.

"You're not the only one who misses him, you know."

I ignore that. Not bonding over Ric's headstone. Nope. "Don't you have school, or something to be getting ready for?"

"Sure. Right, school. Actually, I wanted to drop this off." He stands and holds out a bottle of MY best scotch. What the fuck? "I know you keep a stash here. I do too."

"This is mine." Cocky punk kid.

"Yeah, well you drink more than I do. Plus I can't exactly go to the liquor store on my own." Fair point. "Are you just going to sit here all day?"

"Are you?" I ask a little rudely.

"Great. You two have another fight? Gonna kill me? Again? Its not going to get you anywhere."

"It'll get me some quiet."

He just looks at me, with that weird pursed lip, head tilted stance that reminds me so much of his sister that for a second _I do_ want to kill him. But in the next second I can't stand the thought of her being without him and so I refrain. I instead crack the seal on the bottle, take a sip and hand it to him. He eyes me suspiciously, and takes it. He chokes a little, because of course he does. "Nothing like going to school a little buzzed."

"At least you're going," I motion with my head. Run along little Gilbert, run along.

He rolls his eyes in response, it involves his entire head and this time I _am_ going to kill him because I cannot be reminded of her and all the things I'll never see again. The crack of his neck won't haunt me forever. It'll be a sharp sound marking the _before _and _after. _Something black and white in the tumble of gray that my life has become. I'm on my feet but that first bottle must be slowing me down (I didn't hesitate…did I?) _just _enough because Jeremy has me in a hunter headlock before I can get the right angles on his neck. He flips me over the headstone and I feel the scroll work rearrange my lower spine. Mother Fucker.

"God, you're such a dick! And predictable too."

"Get out of here while you still can, " I snarl. I'm done being nice. This whole situation is fucked up eight ways to Sunday and I've had enough. Fuck 'em all. I am so tired of running in circles.

"Right. I'm out. Stay away from my sister."

I stare at him evenly. Every line on my face telling him I'll do exactly what I want, when I want. He shakes his head again and turns to go. He stops half way to look at me one more time. "Look man, you need to unfuck yourself. You'll save yourself, not to mention all of us, a ton of hassle." With that bit of knowledge he turns and is gone. I stand staring in his wake.

Unfuck myself. Huh. Leave it to Baby Gilbert to drop that little gem on me.

* * *

I wasted a good twenty minutes of my life staring mindlessly after Jeremy. Unfuck myself. Unfuck myself.

I decided that I was done with the cemetery for now and I started walking. I had no plans. I thought about nothing and everything, which tends to be the best kind of thinking. I thought about how I used to walk these woods as a boy, with Stefan. Many endless days of fishing and tree climbing. I walked and walked, and when I looked up I was surprised to find myself staring at the moldering pile that was my childhood home. I stare and see ghosts. My mother laughing while at the piano, my father, dour and unnaproving at the window. I have precious few memories of my mother, and I can't help but wonder what kind of future she envisioned for her two boys. Married and on the property, raising children of our own? Certainly not the monsters we've become.

I walked around tumbling columns and bits of foundation. I turned everything over in my mind. At the end of the day, it all came down to one question: who was I and was that who I wanted to be? Maybe yes. Maybe no. I've had a few rough nights' sleep here and there, but over all I've been able to live with myself.

I think of Andy, of Lexi. Mason. My father. My brother. Ric. Her.

I see squandered opportunities and lost years. I think of how I promised Stefan a lifetime of misery, because Katherine was supposed to be mine. I remember the anguish of not finding her in the tomb; the knowledge that I'd been duped. That I'd been able to forgive her for turning my brother, because I still believed she loved me. That I loved her and so what, if Stefan was still alive? We would leave and live out our beautifully hedonistic lives like we'd planned. And part of me still clung to that idea, that I'd swoop in and we'd pick up right where we left off. Such a gallant asshole I am. Was? An idiot, for sure.

I remember Jessica, poor Jessica. That night in the road, after Rose died. Elena tried to be my friend and I rejected her, because I wasn't that guy: the guy who needs hugs and reassurances. I did what needed to be done and that's all that mattered. And I ran out to prove it to myself. Suddenly I'm so weary. How many more Jessicas will there be? How many more do I need? Aaron was a Jessica. I told him to leave and then I killed him.

I think about the many times in recent history that I've had that conversation. _I'm no good for her, she deserves better. I'm dragging her down. I won't change. _ Won't or can't? Unable or unwilling? Do I love her? Yes. Enough? I consider my options, find myself leaving. Autopilot has always worked well for me, and it's not failing me now. I'm not sure what it was, exactly. Maybe I realized that I couldn't live without her? Maybe I thought about all the nights stretched out ahead of me. Maybe I'm done running from myself, killing myself over and over.

* * *

I've arrived back at the Boarding House and I'm still not sure what I'm going to say. I carefully open the door to our room and I sneak inside. She's not in bed.

"Elena?" I call. I can hear her breathing, soft and even. I hear a book close and finally I see her. Snuggled back into my favorite chair, wrapped in a blanket beside a fire. "So I took some time to think." I begin.

She quirks an eyebrow at me in response. "When we first got together, I told you I was bad for you; that I'd never change." I pause. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I finally settle on diving right in. "That was true. Mostly. It was also mostly bullshit." That earns me a small smile. "Also, I'm an asshole." She snorts. "I just….I thought I knew who I was, but I really only knew who I had always been. I decided that maybe I didn't like all of that. I was stuck in a loop, and here I have a chance to break out of it and I want to take it. For myself." I reach out and grasp her hand, rubbing her knuckles with my thumb. "I can't imagine an eternity without you." She still hasn't said anything and I might die of suspense. "Elena?"

She pulls her hand from my grasp and stands up. I swallow. My teeth come together with an audible click. She's backing out on me. She's right though. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the risk to her brother, _my brother_. Her friends. Who knows who'll be the next innocent person to suffer the consequences of my jacked up psyche? I'm a masochistic psychopath and I was a fool to think I could climb out of the hole I've dug myself. She must have come to a few conclusions in my absence. I feel myself nodding. "Right."

"No, Damon. I'm not running out on you. I'm just…..I can't figure out where we went so wrong. We fell for eachother because of our ability to see through the bullshit. Because we looked out for each other, because being together was fun and safe. At some point, …"Her brow furrows. "We lost the accountability that made us work. What you and I have, it's intense and real. I'm not discounting any of that. It's just….we weren't always wrong for each other. When did that happen?"

"I think maybe….it was when you turned." I tell her honestly. Her eyes widen and tears gather. "No! I'm not blaming you. I just think that maybe…You never got the time to adjust to being a vampire, and I think I've taken you for granted. I've depended on your acceptance of me too much."

She's searching my eyes, a line creasing her delicate brow. "Here's what I know, Damon. I know I love you, and I refuse to believe that love is wrong. I refuse to give up on what we have—or could have because it's the most powerful thing I've ever experienced in my life. But we can't continue to create misery. We fought about the power we have over each other and it's scary, but it's exhilarating too."

"So you're saying we should use our superpowers for good?" I tease.

She smiles. "Something like that, yeah." She sobers. "I'm saying that we have to honor and respect this incredible connection we have. We've been through too much together to be intimidated by this…by this." She's struggling to put the words together. " I need….I need you to love me enough to love yourself, Damon. I want us to be together. I want us to _want_ to be together….but we have to be our best selves for that to happen." Her eyes come to mine, full of questions. She is seeking understanding and agreement.

I twine my fingers with hers and pull her close. Our faces are equal parts serious, and frightened. This might be the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. I can feel the walls crumbling—I built them around myself thinking that I was keeping everyone else out. I thought I could dictate who was allowed in. I was a fool. I had it all backwards, and now I'm going to have to let myself out. I nod. My forehead falls to hers and our eyes slide closed. "I love you." I whisper.

"And I love you." Her voice shakes, barely audible. "And we can do this."

"Together." I say.

"Together."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FIN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* * *

A/N: _Well ladies and gents that's it! I hope you enjoyed my version of events. Please Please Please: review. _

_xoxo_

_The Madame_


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